Friday, December 05, 2008

Bernie plans to make Formula1 Car-less...

Bernie Ecclestone floated a new plan today that he believes will revive formula 1 and help the game survive the current economic conditions. His plan is quite simple. "I will make F1 car-less", he said, his eyes glinting in excitement. He then stared at his feet for the next 10 minutes before someone near him reminded that he was in the middle of making an announcement, he proceeded to explain. "If you look at the cost of operations of F1 teams and really break it down, it all boils down to the cars. Remove that from the equation and the operation becomes a profit making machine", he announced, his voice going up an octave in self-admiration. "I have discussed this with all the teams and they are very receptive of the idea", Bernie continued. 

According to Bernie's new plan, teams will field 2 'runners' who will basically lap the track just like they used to do with a car. Bernie plans to mandate that these runners make suitable whining and grunting noises to imitate the sound of an engine and also expects that they maintain a 'racing line' around the track. Bridgestone will now supply the shoes to the runners in 3 standard variants: hard, medium and soft compounds. 

"This is really a big change for us", said the president of the bridgestone formula 1 division. We have never made shoes before but thankfully nike has offered to team up with us. So hopefully with their support we will be able to provide reliable rubber to these runners"

Ferrari's chairman Luca Motezemolo welcomed the move saying that it will bridge the divide between the big and the small teams but warned his team that the emphasis on the pit crew has grown even further. "Our pit crew cannot goof up like we did in the last season. You cant make mistakes while inserting liquid food hose. There is a real danger you might end up hurting or worse, killing our runner"

Max Mosely felt that it was a paradigm shift for the sport and compared it to the time when Nazi's won the world war. When reminded that the Nazi's lost it, he had asked, "Are you sure?" and winked at the blushing female reporter. 

Following the announcement, the aerodynamic engineers have started an intense crash course of human physiology hoping to turn themselves into health and physical training experts. "We think we can add a lot of value as aerodynamic engineers by being able to reduce some fat here and add some fat there.", said an anonymous source as his team runner's eyes widened. "The human body is not that different from a car", he concluded with a gruesome finality.

Lewis hamilton thinks that the new rule is good for the sport before quipping, "of course, nothing is going to change. As you all know, I am the best". He then proceeded to scream "drrrrrrr" before running like a maniac out of the room, yelling as he left, "You see?"

Mclaren did not have comment to give as yet. In the words of Fernando Alonso, "they will be busy trying to get ferrari's designs". When asked what designs are needed now that there are no longer any cars, Fernando's reply had become incomprehensible and distorted and his eyes had shot up in the sockets and a wierd electronic hum began to rise from inside his head. Falvio quickly guided a smoking alonso out of the room saying, "Excuse us, he is a little out of shape today"

Lost in all this was the lone dissenting voice of the formula1 fans. When asked about the rule, the fan had asked, "Isnt running already a sport?" Bernie has reponded to this by claiming that Formula 1 will take the International Assosiation of Athletic Federations to court for conducting "runner" based sports without paying royalties to the FIA.

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