Kevin Pietersen wasted no time after his side slid to a remarkably competitive defeat to set up a press conference to spill the beans on the real reason behind England's poor performance. Even before the match, KP had announced that there was a sensational announcement he was going to make and that it would cause fissures in the cricketing foundations across the globe. There was an air of inevitability around KP even before the match when he supposedly quipped to Dhoni at the toss, "We all know what the result is going to be, dont we". Umpire Daryll Harper, who was the only person to witness this encounter confided to a friend that the english captain followed the above statement with a charming wink to Dhoni. When a reporter asked Dhoni about the conversation he had become red in his face and thumped the hapless reporter in the face while screaming, "Nothing happened!"
As the match wore on, KP's teammates in the dressing room had gotten a little restless at the assuring calmness with which KP was letting his team meander towards defeat.
"I think they fixed the match", quipped Kris Srikanth, a barely sucessful opener for India. Like his batting, Srikanth has continued to throw in random accusations very much akin to his random shots. A devoted advocate of the law of averages Srikanth based his batting career on one infallible principle. If you throw your bat in the general direction of the ball enough number of times, you are bound to eventually hit one hard enough to compensate for all other misses. It was during those days when on a cruise to australia that he had met Nassim Taleb, who went on to apply the theory to markets. Coming back to Srikanth - he has continued to apply this 'black swan' concept to his commentary and opinions and at one point appeared in the limca book of records as the only living human in the world with all possible opinions (many a time contradictory) on all possible topics - the latest being the opinion that some sort of match fixing has happened with the india england series.
When the reporter asked him the reason for the accusation, he had stared back at him and replied, "Then, maybe they didnt. I never said they fixed this match. They probably didnt. But you never know. So let us assume they fixed it". The confused reporter was fired when the following headline appeared in the afternoon news paper
"Kris Srikath claims India England series is fixed or maybe not"
The reported is currently recovering from severe brain damage due to short circuiting of his neurons.
Given all this action behind the scenes, it was no wonder that KP was asked the question following the match on his much awaited revelation and about the exchange he had with Dhoni during the toss. An increasingly uncomfortable Dhoni blurted out, "Nothing is happening. KP may be gay but i am not! Ok? Stop this pestering", to the bewildered gathering of reporters, KP and Srikanth, who at this point rose up and boomed, "See! I told you. KP is gay!". After Srikanth, was forcefully escorted out of the room, KP made the following statement to the entire world audience.
"It may come as a bit of an shock and i am not saying this create any sensationalisam but the real reason why we have been performing so bad is that we simply are the second best team here. How do you expect a second best team to beat the best team?"
The worried reporters had then proceeded to give Pietersen some water and admitted him to a local hospital in bangalore. The team manager thought that the pressure of captaining england in India was too much to take for KP and he had cracked even as Dhoni heaved a sigh of relief.
Meanwhile it is rumoured that the cricket boards of england and india might have struck a deal by which the english players could become a part of the IPL.